5 Ways to Talk to Your Partner About Mental Load
How to start the conversation and make it resonate.
You feel like you’re drowning, you know things need to change—but how do you talk to your partner about sharing the mental load? Here are five expert-backed ways to approach the conversation and tailor it to your partner’s communication style.
1. Make It Visible with Real Life examples
Before initiating the conversation, start making the load visible. Real life examples, instead of discussing mental load in abstract ways, can help lay the groundwork for your partner to understand the imbalance. It doesn’t have to be a laundry list of everything you do to keep your family running smoothly, try to offer some concrete examples of how you’re feeling.
You can also start this without a conversation - give your partner access to a shared digital calendar, add them to a sports WhatsApp group, or forward a school newsletter to start making the mental load visible. You can also try an AI Assistant, like Gether.
This dad discovered the mental load when his wife had to travel leaving him to solo parent for 8 days & used a digital wall calendar to help him:
2. Reference a Book, Article, or Video
If your partner isn’t familiar with the concept of mental load, introduce it in a neutral way using an external source.
🗣 “I read this article about mental load, and it really resonated with me. Can we talk about how this plays out in our relationship?”
Some great sources include:
Podcast by the Untouchables for a Man’s perspective
The mental load is more than a to-do list by Leah Ruppanner
How Mental Load holds mums back by the BBC
Viral essay about emotional labor by Gemma Hartley
Fair Play book by Eve Rodesky
3. Choose the Right Moment & Tailor Your Approach
“Have this conversation when you can remain calm and your partner can listen non-defensively.”
Timing is key and different partners respond to different styles of communication. Consider which approach best suits your partner.
The Direct Approach (For Logical, Solution-Oriented Partners)
Be clear and factual, focusing on solutions, for example:
✅ “I’ve been managing most of the household logistics, and I’d like to balance it better. Can we set up a system to divide responsibilities more fairly? Perhaps a weekly planner?”
Why it works: Logical thinkers respond better to structured discussions and action plans. “While it's essential to share your feelings, presenting them alongside logical explanations can resonate more with solution-oriented partners.” Heartfelt counselling explains.
The Lighthearted Approach (For Easygoing or Conflict-Avoidant Partners)
Use humor to make the conversation feel less like criticism, you could try saying:
😂 “If I had a dollar for every time I had to remember the bag for library day or sports day, I’d be rich! Think we could share the mental load a bit?”
Why it works: Humor can help lower defenses and make the conversation feel less like criticism. “Introducing light-heartedness into discussions can alleviate stress and provide a momentary escape from daily pressures. This playful approach can make it easier to address sensitive topics without escalating tension.” Psychology Today
The Empathy Approach (For Emotionally Attuned, Supportive Partners)
Share your feelings openly and ask for emotional support. You might say something like:
❤️ “I feel exhausted because I’m constantly keeping track of everything. I need your help so I don’t feel so overwhelmed.”
Why it works: Emotionally attuned partners are more likely to respond with compassion and a desire to help. By expressing vulnerability you foster empathy. “Openly sharing your feelings of being overwhelmed can help your partner understand your experience and encourage them to offer support. Psychologist Dr. Tracy Dalgleish “
The Teamwork Approach (For Goal-Oriented, Collaborative Partners)
Frame the discussion as a shared challenge:
💡 “I want us to feel like we’re both contributing equally at home. Can we come up with some ideas to make that happen?”
Why it works: This approach makes it feel like a joint effort rather than one person complaining. “The best starting point is to understand that this is at the same time neither partner's and both partners' fault... So compassion for each other is a good place to start, not blame”. Dr Robyn Miller
The Gentle Wake-Up Call (For Unaware or Resistant Partners)
Ask thought-provoking questions or step back temporarily to highlight the imbalance.
🧐 “Hey, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately. If I stepped back from handling the kids' family activities, how do you think things would play out? “
Why it works: Encourages self-reflection without immediate defensiveness for partners who don’t realise how much mental load you’re carrying. Dr John Gottman recommends this “soft start-up” approach to tackling relationship issues.
4. Take the First Step – Transfer Ownership of One Task
A great way to begin shifting the mental load is by transferring full ownership of a task or family activity to your partner. Instead of delegating small parts, assign an entire responsibility—including planning, execution, and follow-up. A Gether favourite, Eve Rodsky outlines this approach in her Book and Cards Fair Play.
For example: 🗣 “Can you take over handling everything for the kids' football this year—registration, uniforms, training schedules, and games?”
5. Acknowledge and Appreciate Efforts
Change takes time. Encourage ongoing conversations rather than expecting immediate change. Express appreciation when your partner steps up.
🗣 “I really appreciate you taking over dinner planning this week. It’s made a huge difference for me.”
Even small steps matter—notice them and say thanks. Positive reinforcement encourages consistency and shows your partner their effort is valued according to Dr John Gottman.
👉 What’s Next?
Now that you’ve started the conversation and taken the first step toward sharing responsibilities, how do you turn talk into long-term change? Stay tuned for Part 2, where we’ll explore strategies to create a fairer division of mental load in daily life. We’ll cover tools like electronic calendars and AI-powered home assistants to automate mental load.
📸 Shoutout to saeed karimi on unsplash.
